Wow. This is horrendously fucked up. Life right now is... disgusting. Completely wasted. Fucking gutter. I'm wasting away in this cage... All I have is boycott tactics. Makes me feel semi-better, but I'd rather be free and have a choice; go out and have a walk, I don't know.

It seems that even IF I got out, there would be no one around. Who am I going to make stupid jokes with? Who is it that I can feel entertained, even if we're not doing anything? No one, anymore. The guys are more or less gone. This whole thing is fucked.

School's almost out. That means I'm going to be a work slave soon. Erica's bent on getting me a job.

I mean, it won't be too bad, I get to be outside. [I'm getting a job at JL, grounds crew.] It's not as bad as sitting inside flipping burgers all day. My only concern being the uneventful days I call life. I'll feel as if It's a fucking nightmare.

Like I've said, I do nothing. I eat, clean, cook, shop, play games, and go to bed. I can't even play my guitar anymore... I mean, I URGE to play, I just can't come up with anything. When I do, it either sucks or I never remember it. Hell, it's hard enough to write these blogs.

I can't talk to my councilor about anything, because THAT'S how uneventful life is now. FUCK.

This is annoying. Horrible. Have I already written about this? Blah. oh well.

When are those two fuckers gonna call? Maybe I should call them. Hopefully they haven't run away again.


Whatever, I'm done. Thank god I'm over pre-pubescent depresshit, or I'd probably be ranting on about how I should suicide. No worries, I'm not that fucking stupid. I have no urge to die, only to stop this boring bullshit. I'm not my sister, and I will never live like her.

Schools almost out.

So, looked into Stoicism again. I remember looking it up once, but I never took the time to remember what it meant. According to Wiki, [Correct me if I'm wrong,] but Stoicism is more or less the thought that everything happens for a reason, and despair and self-imprisonment are easily avoidable and are unnecessary. According to Zeno of Citium:

In the life of the individual man, virtue is the sole good; such things as health, happiness, possessions, are of no account. Since virtue resides in the will, everything really good or bad in a man's life depends only upon himself. He may become poor, but what of it? He can still be virtuous. A tyrant may put him in prison, but he can still persevere in living in harmony with Nature. He may be sentenced to death, but he can die nobly, like Socrates. Therefore every man has perfect freedom, provided he emancipates himself from mundane desires.

It's almost like optimism with Buddhism under-tones. I figure this is how I feel right now. I mean, it's shit here, no doubt, but It's not all that bad. Hell, I haven't even done a whole lot of homework since I've been here. The most I do is clean and cook.

Also, I don't have much to look forward to in getting out, anyway. John's upset and butt-hurt, Logan and Koa may as well be in Anchorage already, and Jamie and Jaz are in NY. I may not be able to hang out anymore, but I still have myself. Besides, It's not as if anyone has disbanded from anyone else. [Except John.] Hell, because of what happened in NY, Jamie and Jaz are living together. I can talk to them more this way.

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So, I've been seeing this councilor. And he's getting annoying. *sigh* I kinda lied to the guys about how I got there... I don't know, I guess I just didn't want them to worry about it, or bother me about it. I wanted a councilor myself, i was feeling kinda bad. But now,

Fuck. My life's just uneventful. So instead of talking about my problems or things that might help, we're talking about nothing. And this fat bastard is gaining money from the state for it.

We talked about Politics. Then we talked about alternate energy. This week It'll probably be philosophy. What next? I might just say fuck it. This is stupid. I'll contact him when I've got something worth sharing. Unless he's trying to coax something out of me, [which he's not,] then I'm done. This is stupid. It takes up time. Hell, half of my problems I figure out on my own.

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I've been playing GTA4. It's pretty amazing. uhh... That's pretty much all I've been doing. I don't have the motivation to workout anymore, there's nothing to do outside, I have no immediate friends, I have nothing to do.

...I think I'm going to get malnutrition here soon. All we have money for is those $1.27 Tostinoes pizzas that feed one person at a time. Erica bought some [vegetarian] protein shakes... They taste like shit. =\

annddd... I'm gonna stop for now.

Peace

Fucking Pizza. I will miss it. =\

So, Jamie's pals sound cool. Jaz says they aren't douches, with the exception of one, who sounds like a major druggie. I shall see. :ninja

I wish he'd send some fucking pictures >: If I can't be down there, I'd at least like to know what's going on, or at least FEEL like I'm there...

huh... Otherwise, Same shit. Music, Guitar, Homework, Internet Socialization. Fun...

Surprisingly, I feel this is a waste of a post. Meh.
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Jamie found himself a bunch of squatting friends. What a bitch. ;-;

Apparently, theres A Crusty, His girl, His other girl, her friend, a dub guy, and a street punk. [Or something like that.]

I tried to call him, but he didn't answer. I left a message... He;s probably out with them right now. Apparently he's going ape-shit over these guys. He keeps talking to Jaz about them.

No surprise I guess, It's only natural that he'd go ape-shit over meeting a punk/crusty/squatter outside of us. Though I do find it funny. He's usually more composed than us. The only thing I'd go ape-shit over down there is picking up techniques and styles of guitar off of some other comrades. Maybe forming a band. That'd be most epic.

Speaking of which, I think I'm back into my guitar groove. Starting to make more songs, which means I'm feeling a bit better. Coo-coo. Otherwise, things are semi-ok. I'm still starving at the end of the day, still bored off my ass, still can't contact Jamie. But I'm good.

Another reason I haven't been posting albums is because I only have so much music over here. The rest is at my mom's place... But I think It's time to share some more.

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The Flash Attacks
Pray For Death

Great band out of Maryland. Actually found them on Shitspace, ha. Not sure what genre you'd call them... traditional? Meh. Great band.

http://www.mediafire.com/?nyuhystjwil

I need to get out... not just out of Auschwitz, but out of Alaska. I hate it here. 15 years in a frozen cage doesn't get fun. It just gets worse and worse.

Not to mention that the fucking darkness doesn't help my SAD shit or whatever. Every year I go through the same shit. Ups and downs. It's disgusting. It's exhausting. Not to mention, mixed in with normal teenage ups and downs. Fuck. There has to be a way.

I still have this hole by my crotch, I think it got bigger. Now not only can you see my boxers, but you can see some of my stupid leg. I'm just too lazy to sew it up.

Jamie's actually squatting. With other crusties. I feel left out. =\ Hopefully he makes some good friends. Maybe if I can ever get the fuck out of here, I can join in. But like I said, if we ever meet up again, I want him to slap/punch me. For all the bullshit, for all the conformity, for feeling like shit for so long. Hopefully it can knock some sense into me, and give Jamie a good throw at me. [We've never really gone at each other, and I've never been punched in the face, really.]

It strikes me as odd, really. Up into just recently, I've realized I have a huge build. Like, no shit. I'm taller than shit, and I'm built big as shit. I sorta want to actually do something with it. Or at least get fit. Not only that, but in all of the fights I've ever been in, none have really... I don't know. Like, Whenever I've gotten in a fight, or have been heavily moshing, I don't really feel a lot of pain. If anything, I'll run out of breath before I become unbearably aching. [Which, despite what's thought, I have a decent amount of stamina.] Now I feel like I'm selling myself. STFU >:

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I got my amp back. Slightly satisfying. Not entirely... I wish we could all jam once again. Fuck. I miss Jamie. I miss Koa, despite his recent doucheness. Fuck. Through the whole year or so that I've known the guys, they've felt like family. People I can actually relate to... Perhaps that's why I was ok with being single at the time, because I was so preoccupied with them. [Not like that.]

Now It's the opposite. Socializing is nothing short of meaningless conversation. Every once in a while me and Erica go about politics and such. That's always OK I guess. It's funny... at least 80% of the time she agrees with me. So why does she thing we go about what we believe in the wrong way? And so she punishes me for it.

It's times like now I wish there was SOMEONE here. It could be a hobo for all I care. I just wish I could actually socialize with someone person to person who ISN'T a complete Hypocrite and Tyrant. When you have intelligent conversations with authoritarian figures, you always get the 'because I said so.' It doesn't have to be a said remark, it can just come from a feeling. And I hate it.

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Living here, there is no excitement. There's no fun. Hell, I sleep most of the time. [Which might explain why I can never get to sleep when it's actually time to go to bed.] All Erica does is play games and watch TV. [usually stupid 'reality' shows.] If anyone in their right mind thinks that reality shows are how the world actually is need to be shot on sight. That just proves how lazy people are, that they need shows to simulate life. There's no such thing.

Otherwise, I think I'm done ranting for the night. I'm gonna try and entertain myself until I fall asleep.

Night.

I think my Soy Milk went bad. I got a new guitar, but no amp to play on. Fuck. I'm bored. My sister doesn't know how to buy anything without meat in it. I'm tempted to start eating Vegan just to piss her off more.

I'm not sure why she thought giving me computer privileges would make things better. Hell, I'm not even sure why she took them away. Maybe so I wouldn't talk bad about her. What a bitch. [I'm not that offensive toward others, Don't worry. It's just humor.]

I've pretty much given up the idea of posting albums. I doubt anyone [besides my friends, who listen to more or less the same shit,] Reads this. So, unless anyone objects, no more albums. <<

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I use lines like this^ all the time. It helps me think of a new paragraph. Gives it some structure. I'm a little bit OC about certain things. ANYWAY; If there's one thing I regret now, it would be going through with the idiotic assumption that walking out of a store full of things you never bought would last long. Fucking stupid. If that never have happened, Things would probably be exactly the way they were. [Minus Jamie.] Ick. It's been... A long while since I've seen the guys. I'm depressed. I'm even more saddened that I couldn't see Jamie off. My tyrant of a sister... I swear, I'll never look back once I'm out. Fuck this.

Now, most of you would expect me to run away, which I tried already, to no avail. Our would-be squat was frozen shut, and climbing through the window is not only conspicuous, but time-wasting at fucking tiring. It was by pure luck that I got in, that one time anyway, because the window-sills were actually dry. If I tried now, I wouldn't be able to get in. Stupid fucking weather, man. It's been wacky for a couple weeks now.

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm screwed. Unless Summer decides to poke it's head out of Winter's vagina anytime soon, I'm fucked. My shorts have a hole in the crotch. Fun.

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I've probably misspelled thousands of words at this point, so I'll switch over to Firefox now...

Oh wow.

I only misspelled 3 words. Amazing. O_O

Jaz-lessons payoff, yo.

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So, 2:35 AM now. There's still a strong dissatisfaction in my gut. This blog isn't helping a whole hell of a lot. I'm not hungry, I don't have to piss, I don't have to shit, and I'm pretty sure I'm not erect. So why this... emptiness? Maybe a little lonely. Angst would have left me by now due to expression. So what is this? I'm not exactly bored. Perhaps my gut has finally demands to GTFO of this place.

Or maybe I'm just fucking stupid. In either case, I think I'm gonna head to bed. Surprisingly all this writing has given me heavy eyelids.

Night